sailor-mouth road to awakening

Cursing has been an incredibly helpful tool to me in awakening. Seriously. Helped me distinguish intuition from thoughts and emotions. Cursing fucking helped meredith big time, yes it did.

I would get a vision, a word, a sense or knowing about some kind of guidance. And meredith didn't trust it yet. So meredith would talk in an exaggerated voice back to the intuitive me, often with a sailor mouth. "I don't fucking get it. Why?" Or "Shit yeah. That's interesting. More about that, please. (I could still be thankful when swearing.)"

Looking back, the attitude helped distinguish the fearful voice of an unaware, unclear ego. I could have a little conversation between Intuitive/Soul/Infinite Self and personality/ego meredith self (pun intended with the name). By distinguishing the voices, with their own posture and rate of speech, I was able to get clearer about each voices' point of view.

This was a critical stage of development for me; to recognize the difference of these parts of me. Did I look crazy talking to myself with different voices. Hells yeah. And didn't care one bit!

Not trying to be all spiritual.
You see...another VERY important revelation came from the swearing techinque. It kept me being me. Not trying to be all spiritual. Not trying to be polite, or sweet or anything; just real. I wasn't trying to be angry or anything either. I was being really honest. I was skeptical. And curious. And unsure.

And I didn't feel like there was any need for pomp and circumstance with my soul self. If figured, if I have an infinite self who is all loving and knowing and all that, she/it/God/whatever will get it. My intention was honesty. Authenticity. And so, authentic language. Cuz nothing quite says, "I just saw a vision of cancer diagnosed before this person knew it" like "fucking A. go figure. how'd that happen."

And man oh man did I curse while I'd teach, too. It would shake people up. Waken them up. People have told me over and over that I helped them just be natural, be themselves. To not be spiritual, but spirited. To be honest with themselves. To not repress.

Dropping Sailor-mouth for just mouth
And....now I just don't curse that much anymore, actually.
Because, the process helped lead to an integration of the personality meredith and infinite self so they are much more merged in alignment and purpose now.  Unique Self, infinite spirit embodied in Meredith. No need for different voices within. Much clearer. No need to exaggerate. No separation of these parts of me. No separation with others either. We're all voices of the same whole. I needed to know me just to know others. No need to separate anymore.  I needed to distinguish the parts just to come into wholeness. I separated parts within only to integrate and merge them.

I don't keep cursing just cuz it used to work. I dropped it. It's not about the process. The truth is always under the process and technique anyway. Just being real. Just being me. Cursing training wheels are off.  No need to curse, unless I do.

Hells yeah.

a leo moving from wings to head

I have no problem leading. Even as a child.
Thing is...I usually led from the wings!

A supervisor once pulled me aside to ask me how on earth I manage to orchestrate and lead an entire event where I stay behind the curtain and where everyone else gets the credit...where participants genuinely feel empowered and successful!!??

I winked at her. "You noticed? Teehee.
I just hold the vision and believe in people."

She told me it was remarkable; that she had never seen anything quite like it. A major event that was in every way envisioned, initiated by me and pulled off by me...yet event day...I was humbly enjoying the event without credit.

Another reason I could do that is I know how to be visible and I know how to be invisible. A mentor told me that again recently. I can turn my energy up and hugely fill a room, or turn it down so I'm relatively unnoticeable.

As a Leo, a major aspect of my soul path though...is to not stand behind others...to be up front, to lead (and also to not stand behind anyone in interpersonal relationships...that's more about interdependence than leading...but I digress). My guidance has been telling me to lead for years. And...I'm doing it, putting myself out there, being transparent, sharing.

Work in progress: serving with visibility. I'm an introvert and it isn't easy being out in front of of so many people. However, it is easy doing what I love, being me, and serving. So....Roarrrr!


What is your soul purpose? How do you see your soul purpose?

sacred a$$hole

"You are comfortable with your guardian angel, but are you comfortable with your sacred asshole?!?"
Funny guidance that came through for a client recently, eh!?

"You've come far on being okay with what is...accepting yourself...being in the moment...but you still judge the asshole. Don't. Be real. Be honest. Be in your integrity. Be in the truth of your thoughts and feelings. Just allow your sacred asshole, Your Old Man Coyote Trickster, when the moment is right!"

Don't we all do this? Self judging behaviors we don't like in ourself or others. Over controlling our emotions. Over riding our gut with oughtas. For example, we intellectually know that being angry doesn't much serve us, so we disown it. But not dealing with the anger and repressing it is actually worse. We need to face it.

be aware of the anger, go into it. through is the way.
By digging into what is real, all parts of ourselves, our humanity, our ugliness, our beauty, our fear...embracing who we are...all of our selves...in this awareness, we can't help but naturally become more loving. Really. Sometimes tough love. But love.

confession of an anti-asshole
Someone told me a couple years to act Latin. He'd rather I walk across the room and smack him a good one then hold it in. I don't really think he wanted me to smack him (I tried it. It didn't work for either of us. Just saying.) He just wanted me to be in the moment, to be true. He was right. And, it was raw and ugly. But it was true.

your turn!
But like everything, don't take my word for it. Try it. Allow your sacred asshole when it comes up. And oh,
please share your stories to rid us all of our "too nice syndrome." Add a comment!


Motto: Embrace your sacred a$$hole.
How's that for spiritual guidance.

reeling in the real

Both are real.

I need space. I need connection.
I want in. I want out.
I need ownership of my learning. I need guidance in my learning.
I need rest. I need activity.
He treats me better than I could imagine. He doesn't treat me how I want to be treated.
I am love. I am not love.
I am clear. I am confused. (or at least sometimes clearly confused)
I am patient. I am impatient.
I am critical. I am accepting.
I am a guardian angel. I am a b&tch.

Both are true.
Both are real.
I choose in the moment what to embrace.
The confusion is when I need it to be one thing.
The clarity is embracing it all.

And the only thing to do is to be me in this moment.
"just show up," my teacher says.
And that...I'm grateful for.

Motto: Love paradox.

my name is bill

"You can call me Bill," my son Chad tells his science teacher on the first day of 8th grade science.

The teacher pauses. "Bill? Are you sure?"

"Yup. Call me Bill." Chad assures him.

Sensing something's off, the teacher asks the class if there is anyone who can confirm his name is Bill. When Chad tells me the story, he boasts, "Mom! You wouldn't believe it!! 3 people in the class raised their hands!!"

"Bill is an unusual nickname for someone named Chad. Are you sure you want to be called Bill for the rest of the year, cuz I'll call you that if you want," his teacher jokes.

When I asked Chad why he did it, he told me, "Why not!? I mean, what's it going to hurt to be called Bill 2 hours a week for a year."

Afterall, he didn't pick his own name, so why not try on a new one.

His dad was not pleased. I laughed my head off. Chad requested I support him on back-to-school night. When I met the teacher I smiled and said, "Hi, I'm Chad's mom. You know, Bill. Thanks for letting him do this little social experiment with his name."

Teacher was great. He didn't care. Told me he'd call him whatever he wanted and he wasn't disrupting anything.

Great attitude. Change your hair. Change your name. Change your clothes. Change your attitude. Try on something new. Yeah, Bill.

Motto: Shake it up a little.

Yes. I drew that picture.

don't argue with reality

Don't argue with reality.

Love what is.

'Nuff said.

the unmasking me

I wonder what are all the things I say about myself and who I am ....wait for it....that aren't actually true; my own little self delusions or masks of protection, the protective me rather than true me.

I am amused at how this one person I know who think he's so open-minded (and so do others) is actually quite a rigid thinker and a somewhat close-minded person who is extremely hard to convince of any new idea outside his mental construct. Yet there's this other person who says he 'needs rules' and doesn't have that same 'air of free thinker' emanating from him, yet he is the one who is totally willing to engage new concepts and ideas, explore and even embrace them. Fascinating really. They don't even see themselves this way. Others don't see, well, some of us do. But it is fascinating.

I think of myself as shy, but there is also plenty of evidence to the contrary.
To me, intuition is about listening to my true self and expressing my true self.
Underneath the masks, beneath the layers of defenses and shoulds and fears, that me.

The me that is unbridled.
The me that is the moment, and not an old story or fear of the future.
The me beyond my gender and race and suburban upbringing.

Of course, it gets more complex because there are all these parts of me...but still...I'm integrating them all and more consciously choosing what to express in the moment. That's the real purpose for intuition.
The inner guidance me.

This is what my intuition brings me as its gift. The ability to get through layers to truth of who I am, who others are, and bring it out.
The unmasking me.

The irony of my given name of Self isn't lost on me, for sure. Nor the collection of masks I started years ago...I didn't see it then, but I do now.

Time now for the tea me.

something to talk about in the locker room

I have a new role model....she's 80 and fabulous....and maude

Harold and Maude is a total must see movie. My son and I watched it recently and my 13 year old boy aspires to be more like this 80 year old woman. Awesome.

Intuition isn't just about seeing the future and answering all your questions now. Intuition is about noticing, listening, hearing your true spirit and acting on it. Living creatively in each moment. Making choices based on your inner world and outer world. Maude is so in the moment and playful and free...and she frees others.

"Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room. " -Maude

People around me often want me to come up with something magical or predict something. But I really just want to live a normal life. I'm happy to use my sixth sense to tune into the spirit of others to help them, but day-to-day, I really just want to be Maude...living life. And as my teacher Jim says, all I really have to do is just "Show Up."

"If you want to sing out" theme song by Cat Stevens.

giggling at gum

Standing in line to get a lovely cup of chai latte, oh my treat, I see a girl giggling and jumping up and down. Simply because she was going to get a piece of gum. Oh, the thrill with her arms reached to the sky in anticipation.
Raw. Pure. No holding back.

I giggled too. And when I got my chai, I smiled wide in eagerness and sipped it as the delicacy it is to me. I just can't get the milk steamed quite like this. I gave thanks for a few things, like the ability to delight in something frivolous like chai latte on occasion, as well as my son and friends and the cool air and my favorite jeans with the holes ripped in the knees and my dog that is calming down and....

People remark to me sometimes that I'm like a little girl. I believe it is meant as a compliment...but I take it that way none the less. I hope that with each passing day I become simultaneously younger and older, with perfect harmony between the two. Caring less and less what others think, laughing more at myself, being more present in the moment. Giggling at gum. Chai cheers to that....

you really don’t look like a teacher

“I’m not sure if I should tell you this or not,” she said. “But at first when I approached you I thought you are too young and what could you possibly teach me. (Hee, hee, blush.) Sorry about that. I guess I had a lesson to learn. You just seemed too fun to really mentor me. But this has truly been one of the most important experiences of my life and I feel myself changing. I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me.”

Grin. I love my suburban disguise. Let’s me fit right in, then bam, underneath there’s this surprise. That’s funny. Always remember the masks we wear. I love getting to see through to people when they let me in. We’re all so beautiful under all the masks.

just a girl from the burbs, who happens to be psychic

“You’re psychic? You? But you don’t look psychic.”

I’ve heard that more than once. “I left my scarf, hoop earrings and crystal ball at home,” I replied. “Just kidding. I’m just a girl from the burbs, and psychic just the same. Really, we’re all psychic. I just happen to use my sixth sense a lot. But thanks anyway. Have a great day.”